Baby Got (too much) Back.

Yesterday I was home with a croupy, sick little mister so I spent the afternoon doing super productive things like catching up on my DVR and playing Words with Friends. It dawned on me at one point that after having my iphone for nine months, it was perhaps time to actually put some music on it. Up to this point, my entire music collection on my phone consists of Little Big Town's 'Pontoon'. Great song but not on repeat all day. Anyhoos, part of the genius idea was to rummage through boxes I never unpacked when I moved and find my old Droid. Droids = free music = great music collection. Iphones = no free music = my one pathetic song. As luck would have it, it was buried in the third box I searched. I stuck it on the charger, powered it on, and before I could even connect it to my computer, got the AWESOME idea to reminisce and go through all my pictures. Dumb idea. So, so, so, soooooo dumb. Turns out, I'm super fat compared to last year. Like, I knewI gained weight over the last 12 months or so, but I didn't realize how much. I knew the number. I didn't like the number. And I knew all the fabulous clothes I bought myself last year as a reward for losing weight no longer fit. But I didn't get it. I came to work today completely depressed. I looked around my cubicle and it hit me - I totally have body dysmorphia. Ya know, like when people think they're fat and they're really not. Yeah, I have that - only I think I'm skinny. The pictures I have up are from last summer mostly. I was... brace yourselves.... 45 lbs lighter. 45. What. the. fuck. have I been doing the last 12 months?? Besides sitting on my ass and stress eating Reese's Peanut Butter cups? I look at those pictures give days a week. It's like I've become immune to them. But seeing candid shots of myself seriously messed with me. I'm SO MAD at myself! I worked my ass off (literally!!)and now it's all back. Ugh. You can be sure I'm keeping that old phone in my purse from now on though. And you can be sure that I'm going to pull up that picture of me with my slim face and collar bones and single chin everytime I want to eat a slice of pizza. It isn't going to be easy starting over at square one but I HAVE to.