Baby Got (too much) Back.

Yesterday I was home with a croupy, sick little mister so I spent the afternoon doing super productive things like catching up on my DVR and playing Words with Friends. It dawned on me at one point that after having my iphone for nine months, it was perhaps time to actually put some music on it. Up to this point, my entire music collection on my phone consists of Little Big Town's 'Pontoon'. Great song but not on repeat all day. Anyhoos, part of the genius idea was to rummage through boxes I never unpacked when I moved and find my old Droid. Droids = free music = great music collection. Iphones = no free music = my one pathetic song. As luck would have it, it was buried in the third box I searched. I stuck it on the charger, powered it on, and before I could even connect it to my computer, got the AWESOME idea to reminisce and go through all my pictures. Dumb idea. So, so, so, soooooo dumb. Turns out, I'm super fat compared to last year. Like, I knewI gained weight over the last 12 months or so, but I didn't realize how much. I knew the number. I didn't like the number. And I knew all the fabulous clothes I bought myself last year as a reward for losing weight no longer fit. But I didn't get it. I came to work today completely depressed. I looked around my cubicle and it hit me - I totally have body dysmorphia. Ya know, like when people think they're fat and they're really not. Yeah, I have that - only I think I'm skinny. The pictures I have up are from last summer mostly. I was... brace yourselves.... 45 lbs lighter. 45. What. the. fuck. have I been doing the last 12 months?? Besides sitting on my ass and stress eating Reese's Peanut Butter cups? I look at those pictures give days a week. It's like I've become immune to them. But seeing candid shots of myself seriously messed with me. I'm SO MAD at myself! I worked my ass off (literally!!)and now it's all back. Ugh. You can be sure I'm keeping that old phone in my purse from now on though. And you can be sure that I'm going to pull up that picture of me with my slim face and collar bones and single chin everytime I want to eat a slice of pizza. It isn't going to be easy starting over at square one but I HAVE to.

Couponing for Dummies

Today is Sunday, which means two things – one, I have an arse load of laundry to do and two, I need to go buy a newspaper so I can check out the sale ads and attempt to cut out some coupons. I say attempt because I don’t really get this whole couponing craze. I mean, I get that it’s saving money and rah-rah, that’s awesome, I just don’t get how to do it. Or why really. I watch these shows on TLC where people have enough toilet bowl cleaner and canned pineapple to last six years andall I see is an organized episode of hoarders.

I’ve tried to jump on the band wagon. I’ve read tutorials, bought extra newspapers, went to coupon swaps – hell, I even signed up (and went!!) to an extreme couponing class last winter. On a Friday night nonetheless. I took notes, I paid close attention, but when it came time to actually utilize all my new found knowledge…. nada. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a complete idiot, I can – and will - cut a coupon and save 50 cents off a roll of paper towels like anybody else, I just can’t figure out how Susie Homemaker on the register next to me at Target can manage to walk out with seventeen bags and a $3 bill when I’ve spent six times that and all I have to show is a 12 pack of Charmin and some garbage bags.

              

 

Maybe I just don’t have the extreme couponing gene in me. Maybe I’m just cynical. Either way, I don’t see how, when, or why one person would ever possibly need fifteen tubes of toothpaste – free or not. One lady I met at the couponing class said she stocks up on stuff in case of an emergency. Okay. I can respect that…. kind of. But if there is some catastrophic disaster (i.e. the Mayans weren’t full of shit), the last thing I’m going to be worried about is whether or not my mouth is minty fresh. Nobody is going to barge into my house to loot and be stopped short a blast of my Crest:

“You! Yes, you there! Masked intruder! Halt, for I have fresh breath!Hands off my generator and canned goods!”

No. If people really want to prepare for the apocalypse, Red Plum needs to start putting coupons in there for BOGO hand guns or something.

A Fresh Start.

I have a past life.

Not in the reincarnation sense (although I’m pretty sure I was cool as shit in all of those too, if that stuff is true) so don’t throw up any signs of the cross or hail mary’s and leave.

From the outside I was living the American dream. I was married. A stay at home mom of two and a daycare provider of two more. I had a spotless house. I was always caught up on laundry. My floors were always mopped. My kids were on a strict schedule. I was financially secure enough to buy almost anything I wanted within reason. We were fortunate enough to buy a house. A new car. Take vacations. And I was completely miserable.

In the last two and half years though, all of that changed. I’m divorced. I’ve moved out of the four-bedroom house that I thought my kids would grow up in and into a small rental. I work full time at a job that makes my brain hurt and barely pays the bills. The kids go to daycare. My floors are generally sticky with God knows what and I almost always spend the majority of my Sundays washing and folding six loads of laundry. I’m frazzled and stressed and some days I want to pull my hair out. But I’m happy. I have a great boyfriend that loves the kids and treats all three of us like gold and I finally – FINALLY – feel like myself again.

One thing that I do miss about my former life is the little blog I used to have. I started with nothing and although it ended up with pretty much the same way, I was proud of it. Proud of the followers I had, the friends I made, and the good things people would say about it. I never did giveaways, was never organized enough to get advertisers or do product reviews, not ambitious (read as: patient) enough to post craft tutorials. Mine was solely an outlet to do what I love – write – and a place where I could talk shit about my kids (lovingly of course) – and find humor in the day to day bullshit that went along with my SAHM status. I quit blogging not long after starting the job. I was exhausted and overwhelmed and more than a little pissed off that the ex had some friends who liked to troll on it and report back to him things said.

I’m ready to come back to it now though, I’ve missed it, but reactivating the old blog felt weird. That is a chronicle of my former life, pages in my history, and I need to start fresh. So here I am. In all my foul-mouthed, sarcastic, single mom insanity glory. Hold on to your butts, people. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.